so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
i need an iv and a liver transplant
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
fuck your aforementioned shoe
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
