yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
