i already hear my dad disowning me
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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