i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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