Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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