i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
