I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
