That's when you crack a 10am beer
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
