Can i not drive my cunt home
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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