i barfeds in our rink
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
