I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
