i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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