Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
