I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
