all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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