life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
