Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
she woke up with a sticky ear
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
