i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I currently don't understand fingers.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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