i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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