True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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