You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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