the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Randomize
