My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
