we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
