Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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