just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize