i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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