I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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