I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
