I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
