I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
