I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
