Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
