This dress was meant to end up on your floor
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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