I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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