I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize