Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
