Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
