Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
