fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
