i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize