4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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