I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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