I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
