Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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