No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
