Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
