I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
