I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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