I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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