I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
i've created a new STD.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I smell like Dick and happiness
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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