So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
