Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
