Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Houston, we have a squirter
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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