Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
