its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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