After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
