I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
