Sacagawea was the original milf.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
