he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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